"Why is it still awkward?" I wanted to know as I squeezed past my coworker to take a customer's money, my cheeks growing hot. The order I took was wrong on multiple accounts, and I don't want to look my manager in the face. I scrub the spotless counter until I cool down
I've spent countless hours here, learning, growing, failing, picking myself up. Starting a job was a steeper learning curve than I ever imagined. Yet so many of my coworkers seem to think I should be accomplished. I thought so, too! So why haven't I gotten past this?
'It takes time.'
Oh, how I've hated those words. I feel I need to work efficiently and flawlessly, the very first time. I have memorized and exercised and over analyzed every move I have made over the past 4 months. Confidence should be oozing from me at this point! Except, it's not. And I am anything but flawless.
My bandaging is stilted, my gear donning is clumsy, and I long for it to be second nature, to flow easily like I see it do in others. But it's okay. I step back, put down my helmet, and remind myself to exhale.
I tell myself that right now, it's okay to simply learn. To explore and get messy, and to ask questions. Sometimes I am so eager to do excel, I forget it's my first time, and no can know it all. Mistakes happen. They will never stop happening. *sigh* But eventually, they'll happen less. They'll rock the boat, instead of capsizing it. And God never stops teaching me. He patiently waits for me to cry out, and lift my arms for his strength. And He gives it abundantly!
He has been faithful to his promises to show me the way, even when I shook with fear taking the first step.
Life is a journey, to live fully in every moment. Even the learning ones.